Am I a Superhero?

Hello! 

My brain's gone into full scale overload. Running through my entire life, picking up the clues, reanalysing conversations and situations. Lost partners and friends. 

When I was getting ready to go to work today I decided that I'd do a blog linking myself to superheroes. Or really, linking some of the themes of comics to how I felt. It's difficult to really understand what having Aspergers is. There aren't really any role models out there. That would explain my need to find characters that exibited some of the signs. 

So I was having a shower and decided that I was like Neo. I'd taken the blue pill and woken up from the matrix. I was Hiro in Heroes when he discovers that he can stop time and now I can use my powers for good. I was like Clark Kent (from the films) socially awkward, not quite getting it and being seen as 'special' by work colleagues, but secretly having my superpower... the power to compulsively over analyse anything! I am "Analyst Boy!!"....  (I'm sooo.. SCREWED!! LOL!)

For a brief time it was exilerating. The possibilities... endless! 

But I don't feel like a superhero anymore. 

So, let's check off the process for accepting change.... 

1) DENIAL  - Yeah, had that for years.

2) ANGER - I think I just hit that one. 

3) BARGAINING - This one seems a little too irrational for me. I'll let you know if I hit it though! 

4) DEPRESSION - Actually no. I think I've come out of my depression since finding out. Now that I know I feel like I can start to forgive myself for some of the stupid things that I have done. 

5) ACCEPTANCE - They say you can go through the steps in a variety of orders, but I think I started with this one... and I'm working backwards. (That's odd, right??)

The biggest problem I have is coming to terms with.. well.. probably having to act throughout the rest of my life. I didn't realise I did it before, I thought everyone did. I thought it was normal but that I was bad at it. What I mean by act, it's that I'm lying to people. It's more... ok imagine your in a play with Matt Damon or Halle Berry. You want to just run up to them and get thier autograph, or snog them or something. But you know you can't. That that would be wrong. Everyone's looking at you and you have the lines you need to say and the actions you need to do. It's been preplanned and memorised. Your a professional and you don't really have a choice so you act. 

Honesty is very important, but if I said the things that came into my head I know I would hurt people. I have to filter a lot of it out. Phase things differantly. Censor myself. Even if I had the best intentions of what I wanted to say, that I thought it might help them. If I do say it it often makes things worse. Or I'm seen as cold and heartless. 

"Empathy is the capability to share your feelings and understand another's emotion and feelings. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes," or in some way experience what the other person is feeling"

Aspergers is often characterised as having a lack of empathy. I think this is a bit of an over generalisation. So, lets break it down. (God that's SUCH an aspie thing to do)

1. Share feelings - If a friend breaks up with their partner, I have sympathy for them. But I don't get upset myself that they've split up. I wasn't in the relationship. I haven't lost them. So I can't/don't experience the loss they do. 

2. Understand anothers feelings - I do understand them, I understand them from my perspective, when I've had breakups. I've read loads on psychology and observed people's behavious so I can understand it from a technical perspective. (That's a little off target isn't it?)

3. Put oneself into another's shoes - I can do this really well.. so typically the advice I give is what I would do. But what I would do is not what most people would do. So I tend to screw up there. I can offer advice I've seen on TV, or read in a book. Or (and I have done this before) quote the 5 steps above to them. Convinced that my experience and understanding will help them. Sometimes it does. I think it comes across as proactive. Sometimes it doesn't and it comes across like I'm insensitive to what they're going through. (I guess I am in a way)

4. Experience what others are feeling - Not really. I can think about when something similar happened to me and remember how I felt. But it's often not the same and what they are feeling. 

Right now.. I can't sleep. It's 5 am. I have to be up in 3 hours and I can't sleep. 

I keep coming back to the thought that I've lost ignorance of the problem and with it hope that it would ever go away. Hope that I will ever be normal. (Sounds like step 4.. depression!)

On that wonderfully optomistic note. I'm going to try and get some sleep again. 

Night! 

Ryan

What am I? Why do I do the things that I do?

Hello

Wow! The last week has been crazy. Really crazy. As I mentioned in my last post, I haven't been feeling too great. I've been trying to analyze what the problem could be. I'm at a point in my life where I need to make sense of a lot of things. I'm not really a social type of person, it can be difficult for me to feel ike I fit in to situations. Small talk is difficult, I prefer to talk about the big important things. I can get carried away thinking and analyzing certain subjects and situations, hence this blog. 

It's weird going through life knowing I'm differant to other people. I thought this was just because I was bi, but even in the gay community I know I'm differant. But I've never really known why. I get on best with people that are also seen as differant, don't know why, just always have. 

I have a clear idea in my head of right and wrong. I try very hard to get social situations right. To say the right thing. Work out why people do what they do and where I fit in with everything. When I started this blog I wanted it to be called something that was true to me. The side of my I tend to keep hidden. The same applies to my profile. 

The last few weeks have been a real trip through the looking glass into who I am. Drudging up my past trying to find an answer. Trying to work out why certain things have gone wrong. Writting all of it down on this blog has helped filter my thoughts and although the vast majority of this I haven't posted. It has been helpful. But I needed something more. Researching psychology doesn't make me an expert in it. So I went to a qualified therapist. 

That was a week ago and that's why things are so crazy since then. I have my diagnosis. I now know. I know why I am who I am. 

It's weird these profound pieces of information you get. I find it hard to describe. The best I can come up with is this. My life has been like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, when I was young, I was working in the dark, by myself. Over the years it's gotten lighter as I've learnt more, seen more and had more contact with people. But I never knew what the picture on the jigsaw was, so it was still difficult to make any sense of it. Right now I feel like someone's given me that picture. Suddenly over the last week, pieces are just falling into place. Everything makes more sense. The jigsaw is far from finished it won't be finished until the day I die. But I have hope again. Having the picture is what I needed to put things in perspective and give me hope. 

You might be wondering what I have that could have such a profound effect on me. Well. I have Asperger Syndrome.

What's that?

Asperger Syndrome seems to be the syndrome that's seen but not spoken of. Possibly because it was only defined 10 years ago. But with 1 in 150 people who have it and countless characters on TV that are shown to have it I'm amazed that whilst I liked a lot of the characters, I had no idea what they had in common. 

Just a few examples of TV and Film characters likely to be inspired by Aspergers (if not a perfect match): -

• Basil Faulty - Faulty Towers
  
• Gus Hedgers - Drop the dead donkey
  
• Sheldon - The Big Bang Theory
  
• Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf
  
• Data, Spock, Reg Barclay, Dr Julian Bashir and The Doctor (Voyager), Seven of Nine - Star Trek
  
• Lisa Simpson - The Simpsons
  
• Cliff Clavin - Cheers
  
• Michelle (bandcamp girl) - American Pie
  
• Most of the characters - Third Rock from the Sun
  
• Dr Daniel Jackson - Stargate (film, not TV serise so much)
  
• Dr. McKay - Stargate Atlantis
  
• Chloe O'Brian (loyal to Jack Bauer) - 24
  
• Reg Hollis - The Bill
  
• Mork from Orson - Mork and Mindy
  
• Benton Fraser - Due South
  
• Brennan and Zack - Bones
  
• Moss - The IT Crowd
  
• Rocko - Rocko's Modern Life 
  
• Brain - Pinky and the Brain
  
• Jerry Espenson - Boston Legal
  
• Gil Grissom and Hodges - CSI
  
• Dr House - House
  
• Neo - The Matrix (Something about this line that's always resonated with me. Now I know why. Morpheus: "What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad." )
  
• The Thermians - GalaxyQuest
  
• Lt. Felix Gaeta - Battlestar Galactica
  
• Clark Kent - Superman
  
• "Doc" Emmett Brown - Back To The Future 
  
• The Lone Gunmen - X-Files
  
• Velma from Scooby-Doo
  
• Willow - Buffy 
  
• C-3PO from Star Wars
  
• Erica Hahn - Grey's Anatomy
  
• Bridget Jones - Bridget Jones Diary 
  
• Niles Crane - Fraiser
  

I also need to mention the book "The Positronic Man" - Issac Asimov. One of my ex's said I was like the robot in the story... over 10 years ago. Turns out Issac had Aspergers and was likely drawing on that to create the character. 

Most medical descrptions of the thing don't really help, I think to get a feel for what it actually is. But here's one anyway. 

http://www.brainskills.co.uk/WhatIsAspergersSyndrome.html

Asperger Syndrome can be very difficult to identify as the symtoms can show in a variety of ways and once a person reaches adulthood they will typically have mastered a range of skills that hide how they are, a filter between what their brain thinks and what comes out of their mouth. A filter between themselves and those around them so they can better fit in. 

Conclusion

The moral of the story is, if you believe there is an answer. There probably is, you just don't know it yet. It can be a difficult struggle to find your answer and it may take many years. But it's out there and when you are ready to know, you've got to try everything you can to find it. Because it's truely life changing. 

What next? 

Well.. as I only get about one hit a week and I now have my answer, I was thinking about shutting the blog down. But really, despite immersing myself in all things Aspergers in the last week, I've got a long way to really understand what this means for me and I think writting on here will help. *hopefully*

I really need to go to bed now it's 2.30AM here. But I'm quite puzzled by not only the number of references to Aspergers people, but also the fact that it's never really discussed. It's also interesting that it's these specific types of characters that are seen as the popular characters. I realise there is a big problem with undiagnosed Aspie's, but just how many do you think are out there? I've also noticed just how aspie a number of my friends are. 

Not to mention my dilema of how to act? Tell everyone and risk being seen as disabled. Hide it. How to manage my friends who I'm sure are also aspie, tell them or not? All this and more I hope to blog on as it's certainly my latest compulsion.