What am I? Why do I do the things that I do?

Hello

Wow! The last week has been crazy. Really crazy. As I mentioned in my last post, I haven't been feeling too great. I've been trying to analyze what the problem could be. I'm at a point in my life where I need to make sense of a lot of things. I'm not really a social type of person, it can be difficult for me to feel ike I fit in to situations. Small talk is difficult, I prefer to talk about the big important things. I can get carried away thinking and analyzing certain subjects and situations, hence this blog. 

It's weird going through life knowing I'm differant to other people. I thought this was just because I was bi, but even in the gay community I know I'm differant. But I've never really known why. I get on best with people that are also seen as differant, don't know why, just always have. 

I have a clear idea in my head of right and wrong. I try very hard to get social situations right. To say the right thing. Work out why people do what they do and where I fit in with everything. When I started this blog I wanted it to be called something that was true to me. The side of my I tend to keep hidden. The same applies to my profile. 

The last few weeks have been a real trip through the looking glass into who I am. Drudging up my past trying to find an answer. Trying to work out why certain things have gone wrong. Writting all of it down on this blog has helped filter my thoughts and although the vast majority of this I haven't posted. It has been helpful. But I needed something more. Researching psychology doesn't make me an expert in it. So I went to a qualified therapist. 

That was a week ago and that's why things are so crazy since then. I have my diagnosis. I now know. I know why I am who I am. 

It's weird these profound pieces of information you get. I find it hard to describe. The best I can come up with is this. My life has been like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, when I was young, I was working in the dark, by myself. Over the years it's gotten lighter as I've learnt more, seen more and had more contact with people. But I never knew what the picture on the jigsaw was, so it was still difficult to make any sense of it. Right now I feel like someone's given me that picture. Suddenly over the last week, pieces are just falling into place. Everything makes more sense. The jigsaw is far from finished it won't be finished until the day I die. But I have hope again. Having the picture is what I needed to put things in perspective and give me hope. 

You might be wondering what I have that could have such a profound effect on me. Well. I have Asperger Syndrome.

What's that?

Asperger Syndrome seems to be the syndrome that's seen but not spoken of. Possibly because it was only defined 10 years ago. But with 1 in 150 people who have it and countless characters on TV that are shown to have it I'm amazed that whilst I liked a lot of the characters, I had no idea what they had in common. 

Just a few examples of TV and Film characters likely to be inspired by Aspergers (if not a perfect match): -

• Basil Faulty - Faulty Towers
  
• Gus Hedgers - Drop the dead donkey
  
• Sheldon - The Big Bang Theory
  
• Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf
  
• Data, Spock, Reg Barclay, Dr Julian Bashir and The Doctor (Voyager), Seven of Nine - Star Trek
  
• Lisa Simpson - The Simpsons
  
• Cliff Clavin - Cheers
  
• Michelle (bandcamp girl) - American Pie
  
• Most of the characters - Third Rock from the Sun
  
• Dr Daniel Jackson - Stargate (film, not TV serise so much)
  
• Dr. McKay - Stargate Atlantis
  
• Chloe O'Brian (loyal to Jack Bauer) - 24
  
• Reg Hollis - The Bill
  
• Mork from Orson - Mork and Mindy
  
• Benton Fraser - Due South
  
• Brennan and Zack - Bones
  
• Moss - The IT Crowd
  
• Rocko - Rocko's Modern Life 
  
• Brain - Pinky and the Brain
  
• Jerry Espenson - Boston Legal
  
• Gil Grissom and Hodges - CSI
  
• Dr House - House
  
• Neo - The Matrix (Something about this line that's always resonated with me. Now I know why. Morpheus: "What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad." )
  
• The Thermians - GalaxyQuest
  
• Lt. Felix Gaeta - Battlestar Galactica
  
• Clark Kent - Superman
  
• "Doc" Emmett Brown - Back To The Future 
  
• The Lone Gunmen - X-Files
  
• Velma from Scooby-Doo
  
• Willow - Buffy 
  
• C-3PO from Star Wars
  
• Erica Hahn - Grey's Anatomy
  
• Bridget Jones - Bridget Jones Diary 
  
• Niles Crane - Fraiser
  

I also need to mention the book "The Positronic Man" - Issac Asimov. One of my ex's said I was like the robot in the story... over 10 years ago. Turns out Issac had Aspergers and was likely drawing on that to create the character. 

Most medical descrptions of the thing don't really help, I think to get a feel for what it actually is. But here's one anyway. 

http://www.brainskills.co.uk/WhatIsAspergersSyndrome.html

Asperger Syndrome can be very difficult to identify as the symtoms can show in a variety of ways and once a person reaches adulthood they will typically have mastered a range of skills that hide how they are, a filter between what their brain thinks and what comes out of their mouth. A filter between themselves and those around them so they can better fit in. 

Conclusion

The moral of the story is, if you believe there is an answer. There probably is, you just don't know it yet. It can be a difficult struggle to find your answer and it may take many years. But it's out there and when you are ready to know, you've got to try everything you can to find it. Because it's truely life changing. 

What next? 

Well.. as I only get about one hit a week and I now have my answer, I was thinking about shutting the blog down. But really, despite immersing myself in all things Aspergers in the last week, I've got a long way to really understand what this means for me and I think writting on here will help. *hopefully*

I really need to go to bed now it's 2.30AM here. But I'm quite puzzled by not only the number of references to Aspergers people, but also the fact that it's never really discussed. It's also interesting that it's these specific types of characters that are seen as the popular characters. I realise there is a big problem with undiagnosed Aspie's, but just how many do you think are out there? I've also noticed just how aspie a number of my friends are. 

Not to mention my dilema of how to act? Tell everyone and risk being seen as disabled. Hide it. How to manage my friends who I'm sure are also aspie, tell them or not? All this and more I hope to blog on as it's certainly my latest compulsion.