New direction for the blog

Grrr... iGoogle blogger app just wiped my post!

So I'll keep this brief as I've already written it once.

Having an irrational fear is very annoying. Unfortunately irrational fears are part of life. (especially if you have aspergers!)

Family has invaded my facebook and in my mind I feel, (for want of a better way to describe it) compromised. So I'm taking action to manage my insanity. As a result I'm going to be posting all the microblog messages I used to post on there on here. Expect shorter and more regular posts on a broader range of interests and lots of links to stuff that's peaked my interest!

D0n't like being put in the situation where I have to chose whether to block my family or block my friends and colleagues. But that's the situation I'm faced with and no matter how I try and explain to my family, the message isn't getting through. So, if they ever find this. Sorry!

Microblog posts won't have the colours of graphics, but they will be more frequent!

Take care

Ryan

Cool Asperger Vid

http://www.aane.org/about_aane/aane_video_gallery.html

How long would you wear the same pair of underwear?

Just read this article about a new invention meaning you can wear the same pair for a month. Yes A MONTH! Granted this is designed for space, but it's only a matter of time before someone makes a retail version. I would imagine aimed at college and university students?? Probably have military applications as well. There isn't always a laundrette close enough to your battlefield. Personally, no matter how good it is. It would still creep me out a bit.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g8gpZRl3t8mV2RxsVjIuPU75dJeAD99OURDO2

How do you make DIY more fun?

I know what you're thinking.... MORE FUN?? No.. that's simply not possible! I'm sure you spend many hours putting the Blue Peter training to good use with your love of DIY all day long.

If you've sucessfully left your Tracy Island obsession well behind you and now avoid even watching 'Home Improvement' shows because it all looks too much like hard work. Then this post is really for you!

My DIY ventures have really been few and far between and in the tradition of British building, start late, end even later, are a bit 'fudged' around the edges and need to be torn down in a few years and done properly. Add in a healthy dose of... hmm... I'll have a cup of tea first.

A prime example of this is my 'floating' shelf from IKEA. Which whilst it was floating...was also tilting. As it was above the sofa, this lead to many guests pointing out concerns that it was clearly on the verge of collapse and opting to stand rather than sit. You'll be pleased to know that this was eventually corrected and is now a perfectly level floating shelf with screws so F^&king big, if that thing goes, it's taking the WHOLE WALL WITH IT!!

So this week I was faced with another DIY dilema. LCD monitor bracket (well I say this week.. I actually I got the bracket a few weeks ago.. got it out of it's packaging. Admired it and then promptly put it down). This was a mistake on multiple levels as for the life of my I can't find the screws that came with it!

Deciding this week that I really did need to try and put it up I decided to pull on the wisdom of crass stereotypes of builders. What did they have, that I didn't. The answer was staring my in the face the whole time. BEER!

Beer is a miracle of invention. Armed with a couple of beers (no more than that of course, I'm not totally crazy!) I was now very confident that I could easily attach the bracket and not having the screws would in no way impeed my drilling skills!

Amazingly I'm still alive, the bracket is up! A feet of engineering genius that I was and am incredibly proud of! (I was sure it would have fallen down by now!)

So the moral of the story is. Bob the builder's gotta be plastered!! I mean his trucks and things are talking to him and singing! No wonder he thinks he can fix everything!!!

What to do if you don't have an egg cup?

My student days are well behind me, but I've never really been inspired by cooking. Whilst I do make a pretty mean beans on toast and in extreme circumstances have managed several full Sunday Roasts. I realised the other day I'd never boiled an egg. Shocking I know! (... well.. not that shocking really?)

So I bought some eggs, dug out my old 'Student Cookbook' and set out on a voyage of discovery!!
(Fade to horizon and bring up inspiring music!)

Yeap.. boil, then keep hot for 3 minutes. Even I managed that one, although I did have to use my mobile phone to measure the three minutes. But THEN HORROR!!!

I managed to get the eggs successfully out of the pan only to realise I had no egg cups. What was I supposed to do!! You can't eat boiled egg and soldiers without an egg cup (not on principle, but simply practically).

There was an unlikely saviour. Which you shouldn't be too shocked to discover considering there's a big photo of them on the blog. (So really I should just stop writing now).

For anyone who can't see the photo. Shot Glasses! Genius! I don't see why anyone would bother with egg cups when you can use shot glasses.

Mine are similar to the photo but they say. "Hey there, so you swallow?" and "I do what the voices in my head tell me too". I think both are very profound statements that we can learn a lot from for generations to come!

P.S. I've turned my back on Facebook. There just isn't the restrictions you need on it. I don't want conversations from my family being read by my friends and am sick of having to censor what I'm saying to my friends because of my family. Time for a clean break before I go crazy! Hopefully this will mean I'm posting a lot more on here!!

What is Identity?

Hello

I've been wondering about identity. What makes me, me and you, you? 

Philosophy says: -

identity is whatever makes something the same or different.

Sociology says: -

an individuals comprehension of him or herself as a discrete, separate entity.

In fact the more I look into this the more I realise no one has a definitive description of identity. Everyone approaching the question from their own perspective and experiences. So, what goes into our identity? Are we born with it? Is it our soul? Our DNA? Our life experiences? Is it what we mean to others? Is it what we do? Is it all of these things? 

I'm sure we've all heard people day "I'm not the same person I was X years ago, I've changed." So, lets assume that identity, primarily our self identity is flexible. Is it identity chosen by us then? 

Three main factors of identity

1. DNA - Our building blocks, mapping out what we will look like, what our brain's capabilities will do. 

2. Social Impact - Learnt behaviour, socially accepted norms, psychological development etc.

3. Personal Will - Our ability to take control of our naturally born attributes and our learnt behaviour and change them. Learn more, change our behaviours use or disregard any biological characteristics. 

All three components are intrinsically interwoven. 

(Ok, so you're probably thinking DNA doesn't change. Well. yes, DNA doesn't. But we do change what we do with our DNA. I used to love swimming, I could be genetically predisposed to being a fantastic swimmer. But I haven''t been swimming for years. The DNA is the same but it's relevance is questionable. You may have brown hair but dye it blond. DNA is massive, but it's impact on identity is derived by personal will, social impact and yes, DNA. One DNA characteristic counteracting another. I'm great with three dimensional strategy, I can anticipate what a footballer will do when he's heading towards me in a football game, I can plan how best to stop them. I can train my body to have the physical capabilities to stop them. All influenced by DNA. But I have a hypersensitivity to pain and my social awkwardness makes it difficult interacting on a team. Both caused by DNA. So I don't play football.)

So, how do we identify our self? 

• Photo's - DNA
  
• Names - Social 
  
• Our jobs - Personal will 
  

When introducing yourself to someone else you cover all of these three characteristics and probably don't realise it. We all identify ourselves on these three levels. 

Which one is stronger? hmmm..... all of them are strong. All of them balance each other. 

• Your personal will, will only go so far before social pressures or physical limitations kick in. 
  
• Your social role is limited by your physical attractiveness and capabilities as well as your willingness to interact with society. 
  
• Your physical characteristics are limited by your desire to act upon them. Social influences and personal will impact our diet, exercise, what products we use, what skills we develop.  (For an odd example, I may be genetically predisposed to being a fantastic psychopath. But society would not approve, I've learnt that it's bad and I personally don't want to do it.)

How do you define the identities of those around you? Is our identity purely what people perceive of us?

Our brains store a catalogue of people in our minds. We need to define each one as differant in order to interact with them. So we define that person's identity for them and treat them accordingly. 

Even if you are married to someone you can't know their whole identity, it's to complex. So we generalise. We use stereotypes. We track common characteristics of people with similar details and build up a picture of their identity in our minds. 

Recently there has been outrage at bankers for loosing all the money. If we see a banker we automatically assume now that they are money hungry, risk taking valueless people. Without even meeting someone you have defined someones personal will identity as uncaring. You've defined their social identity as being corrupted, they've learnt the wrong lessons, their parents must have done this to them. And you've defined their DNA.. "I bet they have a small penis." "They were bad at sports at school so they're making up for it now." 

So, in reality, identity is both something so massive and personal that no one can ever understand. AND something someone can define you as, without knowing you at all. 

Which I think it why it makes it so hard to define exactly what we mean by identity. The word is imprecise. The way others perceive your identity is uncontrollable. So if you say identity is what makes you the same or different, it depends on who's actually making that decision. If I was a banker I'd be the same as all the other bankers. But if I'm your child I'm unique. If I'm your child and a banker then the credit crunch is automatically my fault, but you forgive me for it and start telling the neighbours that you were the only one who predicted it and tried to stop the madness. The one good banker! 

Identity then has two perspectives. Self identity and Social identity.

Self identity is what you define yourself as. Ironically most people define themselves as whatever their social identity is. So let's look at social identity.

Social identity is defined as how others see you. Social identity is based on such little information it can be easily manipulated like the mother above telling the neighbours about the valiant struggles of her son to stop the credit crunch. Or advertising on television. 

When people pick a career they want to go into, they typically are using their personal will to pick the social identity they want. Therefore someone saying "My son's a doctor" you might jump to "is he cute/married?" On the other hand "My son's a Republican senator", I'd probably just politely walk away. 

Personal will is influenced by social and DNA so you assume the doctor is smart and has been raised well. That he's passionate, caring and rich. 

The Republican senator is also smart, more than likely rich. But you automatically question his upbringing or his caring nature. Maybe the mothers overprotective and the father abusive. (At least you do if you're a Democrat. Sorry Republicans, that's how you are perceived.) 

Coming back to self identity. If it's so infuenced by social identity. Then is the self identity the weaker of the two aspects? Or because our self identity influences our social identity so much is self identity the stronger? 

Most people live their lives trying to understand their self identity at the same time they try and control their social identity. We all want to be liked. We want our identity to be something people like. We judge our own success based on how others percieve us. So the two identities are both important. Everyone weighs the two differantly. 

The people who are nervous and the people who are confident. The balance I think largely relates to how they balance their self and social identities. Nervous people value social identity more, they are more likely to view themselves and thier accompishments through the eyes of others. They worry more about how they are seen in society. Confident people are more likely to value their personal identity more than their social identity. They do what they feel is best suited to their own beliefs and how they define themselves. 

Whether we favour social identity or self identity is also an aspect of our identity. It is influenced by what we've learn't, personal will of how it affects us and is influenced by our DNA. Natrually attractive people tend to value that attractiveness less than someone who isn't attractive. The DNA making them attractive, plus social impact and perception of that attractiveness giving them confidence, helps define their view of the world and their personal will. 

Those of us with a poor perception of our social identity, worry about our social identity. Those with a good social identity tend to worry more about their personal identity. They complain that they're idea's aren't taken seriously because they're cute. Their social identity, whilst being positive, compromises thier personal identity and that's what they're more concerned about. 

This seems to lead to a self fulfilling policy and moral of the story, but which one. 

• Be true to yourself and you'll be happy? 
  
• If you focus on pretending to be good then people will think you are and therefore you'll be good? 
  

I've always focused on the top one. I have strong personal values, although I am nervous. But the second one, although it seems odd, seems to be the key to happiness. Can faking our identity really be the right thing to do to make us happy? 

What do you think?

Will Britain become a fascist state?

So I've mentioned it before. Economic downturn typically means right wing politics. I'm really glad the US is on a sensible left wing politics. But I'm a little worried about the UK. 

Our extremist party (think KKK genetically bred with a right wing republican) is the BNP British National Party (formally the National Front). 

They've donned thier suits and they're talking to the deprived, under educated and hard done by. Planting the seed of hated and resentment. But why does it work? Well.. it offers a solution to people who feel there is no solution. 

Sure it's a really shite solution and doesn't actually work, but you'd be amazed how easily people fall for those types of solutions. 

Being an asperger people, I tend to analyse everything rather than go with the flock which is why I'm normally a Liberal Democrat voter. But I can kind of see why some people would see fascism as being 'cool'. In our hearts we all have the tibal instincts of them and us. Granted I would never apply this to skin colour, disability, sexual orientation, gender etc etc. 

But if your waiting to go into a nightclub and someone walks up and says... your special.. you should come right through. You'd probably like that person. I think that's why this type of polictics is so effective. It seperates people out as better and if you're in the 'special' group I would imagine it feels pretty good. Having never been in a special group I'm not really sure. But I often wanted to be in the cool gang at school. I guess this is just a really big 'cool' gang, that's dangerous and doesn't listen to what the teacher/morality tells them to do.

SO... canI see Britain dramatically turning to the right... probably not. (thank god!) I'd love to say this was because we're all very moral, or we've evolved beyond such petty interests. This may be true for some.. but for others it's just plain financial sense. We're in a global economy, we need to work with people who are in all groups if we are going to work and prosper. There's no point getting in a club infront of others if the clubs shite and you can't afford to buy any beer. 

It makes more sense to go wait in a queue for a better club that you can afford an that's packed with people having a great time.. together. 

So.. why today's rant? I've just had a flyer through from the BNP. They want no EU, no immigration, british jobs for british people and my favorite quote. "Because it's not racist to oppose mass immigration and polictical correctnesss - it's common sense!" 

First of all... their flier said NO immigration. Not limited and controlled immigration, whereby we attract the best talent from around the world to help support jobs here, but draw the limit at being a charity to all and sundry.

And apposing political correctness...wikipedia says Political correctness is 

"a term applied to language, ideas, policies, or behavior seen by some as seeking to minimize offense to gender, racial, cultural, disabled, aged or other identity groups."

So... if you oppose minimising offense.. you support maximising offense... in areas including race... making you a.... racist. 

Logic.. intelligence and a bit of integrity really doesn't go with the job description of a fascist I guess. 

Now.. if they'd of said "it's not racist to question why some councils spend many thousands of pounds defining policitcal correctness language guides for their staff, whilst common sense should be sufficient and the money could be better spent." Then ok. I'd be ok with that as a statement. But that's not what they're saying. That's just what they hope some people will read into it at the same time they know others will take it to it's other extreme.... "I want that job so I'll just go kill them." 

The odd thing is.. we have soo many people on benefits that just won't do some jobs. They'd rather stay on benefit. British people turning down British jobs. Maybe I'm mis reading the principle of british jobs for british people... maybe it should be. Fantastically well paid jobs for fuck heads..... yes.. I think that's what it's hidden meaning is. Little did they know there were lots of these jobs going in the banks. 

Ok ranting over for a while. Just got Supernatural Season 3 part one to cheer me up. 

How bad does a bad day at work have to be before you quit?

Hello

I miss the days when I would enjoy going to work. Sure, it was busy, but I felt like I was achieving something and helping people. 

Nowerdays... it's all politics. All back stabbing. People talking down to me like I'm 5 has replaced the respect I once had and I don't think I've done anything to deserve it. 

I'm ranting on here after a particularly bad day at work in the hope the I get it out of my system ready for a challenging day tomorrow. 

Those were the days... 18 months ago I was managing a team, responsible for my own projects. Respected and listened to by my peers and managers. Delivering a cool new solution out of existing technology that no one had ever thought of before. 

Then I got promoted. Surely a suitable reward for my sucesses, but when is a promotion not a promotion? Well, can't argue about salary really and I've got a pretty good job title. But all my responsibilities have been taken away. I now report to someone more junior than I did before I was promoted and my good ideas either fall on deaf ears or are quickly stolen by colleagues and passed off as their ideas. Can these things really be seen as signs that I have arrived? Should I bite back as much as they do? Well.. I've tried a few times and ended up getting bollocked for it. Seems to be a loose loose situation. I've never been good at being manipulative, self centred and brutal. I had thought that was a good thing. But I just don't know anymore. 

I love solving problems but the only solution I can think of is leaving, except I can't do that because there aren't any jobs out there. 

So, as I'm writting this down... let's analyse it. Ok so, key things we need to be happy are... (borrowed from http://www.hgi.org.uk/archive/human-givens.htm)

1. Security — safe territory and an environment which allows us to develop fully
   
2. Attention (to give and receive it) — a form of nutrition
   
3. Sense of autonomy and control — having volition to make responsible choices
   
4. Being emotionally connected to others
   
5. Feeling part of a wider community
   
6. Friendship, intimacy — to know that at least one other person accepts us totally for who we are, “warts 'n' all”
   
7. Privacy — opportunity to reflect and consolidate experience
   
8. Sense of status within social groupings
   
9. Sense of competence and achievement
   
10. Meaning and purpose — which come from being stretched in what we do and think.
    

1. Don't really feel that safe there...

2. I think this means positive attention.. no I think some people would rather I just went away. 

3. No... I have some autonomy, but no where near what I'm used to having. 

4. Again I think this means positve emotion. Hmm.. a few people. 

5. Part of wider community, depends whether you class clicky groups as a community?

6. Hmm... I just don't know who my friends are anymore.

7. I guess I have this. 

8. Status... stripped and castrated of this. Definitly an issue. 

9. I feel that I have a lot to offer, but others lack of confidence is contagious. Like swine flu!

10. Stretched in how far I can go without throwing things doesn't really count does it? Without a project I can contribute to I don't feel like my role has any meaning or purpose. Lost and forgotten... 

Hmm... well... I don't think that really helped anything..... 

I'm going to have to muster all the confidence I have and go in assertive... I figure I've been sidelined enough, if I'm going down I'm going down fighting!!! At this point I don't really see as I have anything to loose. 

God, writting a blog should only really be done when happy I think.

I'm fucked! hmm.. maybe alcohol is the answer. The huge bar of chocolate I went through earlier didn't really help. 

 

Am I a Superhero?

Hello! 

My brain's gone into full scale overload. Running through my entire life, picking up the clues, reanalysing conversations and situations. Lost partners and friends. 

When I was getting ready to go to work today I decided that I'd do a blog linking myself to superheroes. Or really, linking some of the themes of comics to how I felt. It's difficult to really understand what having Aspergers is. There aren't really any role models out there. That would explain my need to find characters that exibited some of the signs. 

So I was having a shower and decided that I was like Neo. I'd taken the blue pill and woken up from the matrix. I was Hiro in Heroes when he discovers that he can stop time and now I can use my powers for good. I was like Clark Kent (from the films) socially awkward, not quite getting it and being seen as 'special' by work colleagues, but secretly having my superpower... the power to compulsively over analyse anything! I am "Analyst Boy!!"....  (I'm sooo.. SCREWED!! LOL!)

For a brief time it was exilerating. The possibilities... endless! 

But I don't feel like a superhero anymore. 

So, let's check off the process for accepting change.... 

1) DENIAL  - Yeah, had that for years.

2) ANGER - I think I just hit that one. 

3) BARGAINING - This one seems a little too irrational for me. I'll let you know if I hit it though! 

4) DEPRESSION - Actually no. I think I've come out of my depression since finding out. Now that I know I feel like I can start to forgive myself for some of the stupid things that I have done. 

5) ACCEPTANCE - They say you can go through the steps in a variety of orders, but I think I started with this one... and I'm working backwards. (That's odd, right??)

The biggest problem I have is coming to terms with.. well.. probably having to act throughout the rest of my life. I didn't realise I did it before, I thought everyone did. I thought it was normal but that I was bad at it. What I mean by act, it's that I'm lying to people. It's more... ok imagine your in a play with Matt Damon or Halle Berry. You want to just run up to them and get thier autograph, or snog them or something. But you know you can't. That that would be wrong. Everyone's looking at you and you have the lines you need to say and the actions you need to do. It's been preplanned and memorised. Your a professional and you don't really have a choice so you act. 

Honesty is very important, but if I said the things that came into my head I know I would hurt people. I have to filter a lot of it out. Phase things differantly. Censor myself. Even if I had the best intentions of what I wanted to say, that I thought it might help them. If I do say it it often makes things worse. Or I'm seen as cold and heartless. 

"Empathy is the capability to share your feelings and understand another's emotion and feelings. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes," or in some way experience what the other person is feeling"

Aspergers is often characterised as having a lack of empathy. I think this is a bit of an over generalisation. So, lets break it down. (God that's SUCH an aspie thing to do)

1. Share feelings - If a friend breaks up with their partner, I have sympathy for them. But I don't get upset myself that they've split up. I wasn't in the relationship. I haven't lost them. So I can't/don't experience the loss they do. 

2. Understand anothers feelings - I do understand them, I understand them from my perspective, when I've had breakups. I've read loads on psychology and observed people's behavious so I can understand it from a technical perspective. (That's a little off target isn't it?)

3. Put oneself into another's shoes - I can do this really well.. so typically the advice I give is what I would do. But what I would do is not what most people would do. So I tend to screw up there. I can offer advice I've seen on TV, or read in a book. Or (and I have done this before) quote the 5 steps above to them. Convinced that my experience and understanding will help them. Sometimes it does. I think it comes across as proactive. Sometimes it doesn't and it comes across like I'm insensitive to what they're going through. (I guess I am in a way)

4. Experience what others are feeling - Not really. I can think about when something similar happened to me and remember how I felt. But it's often not the same and what they are feeling. 

Right now.. I can't sleep. It's 5 am. I have to be up in 3 hours and I can't sleep. 

I keep coming back to the thought that I've lost ignorance of the problem and with it hope that it would ever go away. Hope that I will ever be normal. (Sounds like step 4.. depression!)

On that wonderfully optomistic note. I'm going to try and get some sleep again. 

Night! 

Ryan

What am I? Why do I do the things that I do?

Hello

Wow! The last week has been crazy. Really crazy. As I mentioned in my last post, I haven't been feeling too great. I've been trying to analyze what the problem could be. I'm at a point in my life where I need to make sense of a lot of things. I'm not really a social type of person, it can be difficult for me to feel ike I fit in to situations. Small talk is difficult, I prefer to talk about the big important things. I can get carried away thinking and analyzing certain subjects and situations, hence this blog. 

It's weird going through life knowing I'm differant to other people. I thought this was just because I was bi, but even in the gay community I know I'm differant. But I've never really known why. I get on best with people that are also seen as differant, don't know why, just always have. 

I have a clear idea in my head of right and wrong. I try very hard to get social situations right. To say the right thing. Work out why people do what they do and where I fit in with everything. When I started this blog I wanted it to be called something that was true to me. The side of my I tend to keep hidden. The same applies to my profile. 

The last few weeks have been a real trip through the looking glass into who I am. Drudging up my past trying to find an answer. Trying to work out why certain things have gone wrong. Writting all of it down on this blog has helped filter my thoughts and although the vast majority of this I haven't posted. It has been helpful. But I needed something more. Researching psychology doesn't make me an expert in it. So I went to a qualified therapist. 

That was a week ago and that's why things are so crazy since then. I have my diagnosis. I now know. I know why I am who I am. 

It's weird these profound pieces of information you get. I find it hard to describe. The best I can come up with is this. My life has been like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, when I was young, I was working in the dark, by myself. Over the years it's gotten lighter as I've learnt more, seen more and had more contact with people. But I never knew what the picture on the jigsaw was, so it was still difficult to make any sense of it. Right now I feel like someone's given me that picture. Suddenly over the last week, pieces are just falling into place. Everything makes more sense. The jigsaw is far from finished it won't be finished until the day I die. But I have hope again. Having the picture is what I needed to put things in perspective and give me hope. 

You might be wondering what I have that could have such a profound effect on me. Well. I have Asperger Syndrome.

What's that?

Asperger Syndrome seems to be the syndrome that's seen but not spoken of. Possibly because it was only defined 10 years ago. But with 1 in 150 people who have it and countless characters on TV that are shown to have it I'm amazed that whilst I liked a lot of the characters, I had no idea what they had in common. 

Just a few examples of TV and Film characters likely to be inspired by Aspergers (if not a perfect match): -

• Basil Faulty - Faulty Towers
  
• Gus Hedgers - Drop the dead donkey
  
• Sheldon - The Big Bang Theory
  
• Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf
  
• Data, Spock, Reg Barclay, Dr Julian Bashir and The Doctor (Voyager), Seven of Nine - Star Trek
  
• Lisa Simpson - The Simpsons
  
• Cliff Clavin - Cheers
  
• Michelle (bandcamp girl) - American Pie
  
• Most of the characters - Third Rock from the Sun
  
• Dr Daniel Jackson - Stargate (film, not TV serise so much)
  
• Dr. McKay - Stargate Atlantis
  
• Chloe O'Brian (loyal to Jack Bauer) - 24
  
• Reg Hollis - The Bill
  
• Mork from Orson - Mork and Mindy
  
• Benton Fraser - Due South
  
• Brennan and Zack - Bones
  
• Moss - The IT Crowd
  
• Rocko - Rocko's Modern Life 
  
• Brain - Pinky and the Brain
  
• Jerry Espenson - Boston Legal
  
• Gil Grissom and Hodges - CSI
  
• Dr House - House
  
• Neo - The Matrix (Something about this line that's always resonated with me. Now I know why. Morpheus: "What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad." )
  
• The Thermians - GalaxyQuest
  
• Lt. Felix Gaeta - Battlestar Galactica
  
• Clark Kent - Superman
  
• "Doc" Emmett Brown - Back To The Future 
  
• The Lone Gunmen - X-Files
  
• Velma from Scooby-Doo
  
• Willow - Buffy 
  
• C-3PO from Star Wars
  
• Erica Hahn - Grey's Anatomy
  
• Bridget Jones - Bridget Jones Diary 
  
• Niles Crane - Fraiser
  

I also need to mention the book "The Positronic Man" - Issac Asimov. One of my ex's said I was like the robot in the story... over 10 years ago. Turns out Issac had Aspergers and was likely drawing on that to create the character. 

Most medical descrptions of the thing don't really help, I think to get a feel for what it actually is. But here's one anyway. 

http://www.brainskills.co.uk/WhatIsAspergersSyndrome.html

Asperger Syndrome can be very difficult to identify as the symtoms can show in a variety of ways and once a person reaches adulthood they will typically have mastered a range of skills that hide how they are, a filter between what their brain thinks and what comes out of their mouth. A filter between themselves and those around them so they can better fit in. 

Conclusion

The moral of the story is, if you believe there is an answer. There probably is, you just don't know it yet. It can be a difficult struggle to find your answer and it may take many years. But it's out there and when you are ready to know, you've got to try everything you can to find it. Because it's truely life changing. 

What next? 

Well.. as I only get about one hit a week and I now have my answer, I was thinking about shutting the blog down. But really, despite immersing myself in all things Aspergers in the last week, I've got a long way to really understand what this means for me and I think writting on here will help. *hopefully*

I really need to go to bed now it's 2.30AM here. But I'm quite puzzled by not only the number of references to Aspergers people, but also the fact that it's never really discussed. It's also interesting that it's these specific types of characters that are seen as the popular characters. I realise there is a big problem with undiagnosed Aspie's, but just how many do you think are out there? I've also noticed just how aspie a number of my friends are. 

Not to mention my dilema of how to act? Tell everyone and risk being seen as disabled. Hide it. How to manage my friends who I'm sure are also aspie, tell them or not? All this and more I hope to blog on as it's certainly my latest compulsion. 

Are we destined to re-live our childhood?

Hey!

I think about the people in my life and the more I know about their childhood, I can't stop myself from seeing the links between their experiences and the way they act now they are an adult. 

What they are scared of, who they fancy, the friends they make and the careers they live. 

They are still striving to over come and seek attention of emotionally or physically distant parents. They are looking to achieve their childhood dreams. Those with loving parents seem to quickly find thier 'one' and settle down. Where as the ones who have the hardest time growing up cling to their partners like their lives depend on them. 

Those who strive desperately for career sucess over everything else, are they doing it for the money, the love of the job, or are they trying to plug a whole in themselves. 

So, is this simple psychology? Is it destined? Fate? Or do those who don't learn their lessons are destined to repeat them? 

You have to wonder some times whether you can truely over come your past and choose your future. Truely move on, change and be someone differant. 

I was watching Grey's Anatomy recently and one of the characters said "the scars you pick up make you who you are, they make you extrodinary" (or something along those lines)

I have to agree, some challenges we face can make us stronger. They test us and we can come out of these situations with a validation of our own strength. 

But what if the challenges we face overwhelm us? the scars too deep that they will never heal? Can we adapt? Can we overcome? Can we be something more than what we were? 

I think we all hope so. I think it's the scariest thing in the world to think we might not, ever change. That we might never be whole, be better. But a life driven in fear that we might not change never seems to be a happy one. I can see that all around me. People making choices based on fear. 

I find it difficult to see anyone make a decision based on hope. Maybe I'm to cynical. Maybe I'm not seeing the big picture. Maybe we see people who live on this hope as the crazy ones, the ones that take what we think are irrational risks. 

So, are we destined to re-live our childhood? Our childhood provides us with our template, how to live, how to act, how to interact with people. Lessons once learnt are hard to break. On some level we all seek that memory of happiness from our past. 

I have to believe that we can change. I don't think that our childhood will ever stop influencing how we see the world. But we can choose how we act on that world view. There is always something more real than the past, there is always something greater than the present, the future. It's important to see it as a blank canvas. The paints may be prepicked, but we decide on the picture we paint. We own our minds and our bodies, we are in control, if we choose to be. 

What do you think??  

Ryan

Why understand psychology?

Hello

Sorry I haven't posted for a while I've been writting lots of posts about some memories that I've recovered, fears, phobias sleep deprevation etc. But they are all a little too... hmm.. real to post right now. So I thought I'd post something a little more abstract. 

It occured to me that psychology is like cars.

Let me explain.

1. What is it? Imagine you've never seen a road or know what cars are. You are walking along a path in the country and you suddenly come across a road. It looks scary. It sounds loud, dangerous. You don't understand it. If you reach out and try and touch it it will take your hand off. Luckily we are all taught be basics from an early age of stop, look and listen. It's part of our culture to ensure that people understand cars and roads. If you are going through live without a basic understanding of personal psychology and you are attacked by a farmer, spot a big spider that terifies you or find out a friend has died. It can be like standing on the middle of a road and seeing a car heading straight for you. If you have been brought up in an emotionally open environment you are normally equiped from an early age with a very basic understanding of psychology. You don't need to know how to drive. But you do need to know when something is a bad idea. Personally I think not having an understanding of psychology at an early age can be more dangerous than not having an understanding of the dangers of roads. There needs to be an instinctive way of dealing with emotional trauma. Oddly stop, look and listen seem to be a good idea here too. Or stop and assess what's happened and be aware of your feelings, try to put what's happened into perspective and communicate with people about your feelings. It's odd to me that many people hope and assume that thier child won't have any traumatic experience in thier life. Yet at the same time have a deep fear of roads. I guess because one of tangeable, instant and immediate threat. The other one... well... doesn't bare thinking about..

2. Can roads and cars be used? Well, yes, when you're growing up you are often driven around by your parents to all sorts of things. Things you do, like school and things that your parents do and you find boring like the weekly food shop. I think in these early years psychologically this is much the same. You are so close with your parents when they are happy, you are happy, when they are sad you are sad. A child tends to pick up on a hell of a lot from the parents, not just mood but coping mechanisms. The child picks up values of what to do to make you happy and what to do that will make you sad. One example would be a coping mechanism like alcoholism, the child learns that that's how you cope with things regardless of the pain and suffering they know it causes. 

3. What happens when you're old enough to drive? Always a nervous time. You reach an age as a teenager when you come across a barrier. You can't be the person you want to be, achieve what you want to acheive unless you can drive. (I know lots of people don't drive, but you get the idea of what I'm saying.. right?) The same is said for psychology. During puberty, discovering sexual urges, relationships and greater emotional independence. It suddenly becomes important to want to drive and also to have a better understanding of your own psychology and the psychology of people around you. You need to learn the rules of the road in relationships to prevent ending up in an emotional wreckage. 

Unfortunately there isn't really a lot of support for going through this process, you don't get personal training once a week and a test at the end to ensure you've understood how to lead a mentally positive live. That you've got a good understanding of yourself and others around you to be able to handle any situation. Instead it's more like learning how to drive a car by playing Grand Theft Auto. Teen mags, gossip at school and reality TV are what educate our youths. Scary!

Types of driving. 

Lone driving - Lone driving can be very empowering you can have the music you want on and turn it up really loud. You can go whereever you want, whenever you want. The trouble is, if you get lost you can't really read a map and drive at the same time. Occasionally you need to stop everything. Check the map and then try and work your way back on track. 

Car pooling - Like a partner, you're both going to the same place so you share the journey. You can both take turns at driving. If you get lost the other person can look at a map whilst you concentrate on the road, or when it gets really bad. Change drivers. 

Road trip - You and a few mates are off into the wild blue yonder. Mates can also help with directions and share the driving, but they aren't nesessarily going where you want to do and the trips can become something special rather than every day. 

Taxi! - For when you've really lost your way and you don't have you car to drive in and you can't turn to your friends or partners for help. A taxi is very useful. You get to set the direction and the taxi driver will get you home. This is where a therapist can come in handy. They know the roads ahead and they can help get you there.... as long as you're paying! 

Bus - For when a taxi is too expensive and whilst the bus isn't going ecactly where you want or in the most direct route, but it'll get you close enough for you to go the rest of the way yourself. Self help books, motivational courses and inspirational talks are the buses of psychology. But you've got to understand the bus timetable to make sure you get the right bus to the right destination and be lucky enough for the bus to turn up when you want it. 

Ambulance/Police car - For when you're not in a fit state to drive and no one expects you to pay for a taxi. The worrying trasport methods for when you are in a really bad state of mind. More often than not, a risk to others. We all hope we avoid getting a lift in the ambulance/police cars of this world!  

To relate this to where I am right now, I've been lone driving. I've had to stop for directions. But I'm thinking about calling a taxi. Just need to work out what sort of firm I need and how on Earth I'm going to be able to pay for it. 

Take care

RJ

What will be the next Twitter?

I love this video. I think this is a worrying glimpse into the future. :-)

What would you buy The Queen?

Hello

I've just been reading about Obama's visit to The Queen. http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/04/01/politics/politicalhotsheet/entry4910527.shtml

I'm shocked... absolutely shocked. I love Obama, but really. On what PLANET do you think... hmm... maybe she'd like an ipod? REALLY?? THE QUEEN??? What are they going to get her on their next visit, a hoodie and a skateboard?? 

So I've been trying to think what Obama COULD have got. 

1. The Queen is getting on and those glasses keep getting bigger and bigger. Why not show your love buy buying a nice 60 inch plasma screen with surround sound with extra big sub woofer, just in case the hearings going too. 
   
2. A Sony Reader or Kindle. Filled with historical American or English texts and if they want to make it a bit tacky Obama can always throw in his books. 
   
3. X Box 360. At least it's something the grand kids can use. 
   
4. Pimp her Resolute desk. Both The Queen and Obama have desks made from HMS Resolute. I'm sure Obama's been thinking how he can make his a bit more geeky. He could do the same with The Queens desk. Built in a screen that sinks into the desk, touch screen table top (Microsoft Surface) and a shield that raises at the front of the desk. Not because anyone would try to attack her, (they wouldn't dare) but in case she sneezes or needs to pick her nose, this would ensure her dignity is preserved. 
   
5. A new car. Yes, The Queen has just got a new funky car with all the gadgets, but it's not as cool or funky as Obama's "The Beast". 
   
6. A link from whitehouse.gov to http://www.royal.gov.uk/ The Queen does love her website. Show some love Obama and send her some hits!! 
   
7. An Oscar! Granted she wasn't in the film 'The Queen' with Helen Mirran, but really. you can't say she isn't a star of the film. I think The Queen would LOVE an Oscar. This would really go over well and firmly cement the 'special relationship'. 
   
8. Get the street artist that did the famous painting of Obama to do one of The Queen. The Queen loves art and has many official portraits. But this one would be really special and could boost the image of The Queen all over the world. 
   
9. Bush's head on a silver platter. Nothing says respect like killing the thing that threatens Kingdom. Back in the good old days, this would have been done without question. Some traditions really should be brought back. We can put it on a spike outside the Tower of London and people can throw things at it. This would also spark financial recovery, by providing a MASSIVE influx of tourism all wanting to see the head. 
   
10. Presidency of the United States. Ok, a little unconventional. But let's face it, the republicans suspected that something like this might happen. :-) Now that America's struggling it's time for a merger, economies of scale show the more you merge the greater efficiencies. If we pull in some more of the commonwealth (Canada, Australia etc) we can truly restore control over the globe. Really.. the more you think about this... the more it makes sense...  It's the only way to boost our numbers to a comparable level to China and India. 
    
11. A lovely broach. Simple, but personal, designed by experts in America and made especially. (Really.. how hard could that be to do?) (mutters: "... bloody ipod...")
    
12. Let The Queen feel his pecks. No one would need to know, let's face his her husband isn't exactly buff. It would be a nice memory at least and it wouldn't cost Obama anything. Oh, or they could give her some botox.. 
    

I can't believe I've gotten to the end of the post and I'm still upset about this. I hope at the very VERY least they got an ipod that's engraved. Maybe this is because The Queen isn't having a state dinner in his honor and instead the Obama's have to put up with Jamie Oliver's food. 

What would you buy The Queen?